Out of Hiding

For the longest time I’ve told myself that I wasn’t going to put my name on my art because it would get in the way of the art. I convinced myself it would look clunky and distract from what I was trying to say and that there was no way to both say what I wanted to say and identify that it was me who said it without it detracting from the thing that I made.

But the truth is I was hiding.

I’ve told myself that I’ll wait until I feel a little more grounded, or a little more sure, or I’ll wait until I do a little more work integrating my shadow, and reparenting my wounded parts so that I don’t end up being messy out loud.

But even those reasons? Really convenient (and sneaky!) ways to keep waiting and stay hidden forever.

For the longest time I’ve told myself that I was going to wait to publish more of my work until I first shared it in a book or in my band’s upcoming magazine because Instagram is an institution of white supremacy (true!!) and my words are meant to be savored not scrolled (also true!!!). But the truthyity truth truth truth?

I was hiding.

The fear is always the same; what if nobody cares or notices? Followed by the honest to God even more terrifying prospect; what if they do?

What if instead of lingering in the space of feeling misunderstood and alone and like nobody sees what I see — what if I just showed up and told you what I see? What if I just showed up and told you what I’m dreaming up and gave you what I’ve made. What if I told you what I needed? What if I stopped holding on so fucking tightly to literally e v e r y t h i n g. What if I shared the best and the brightest parts. What if I shared my process? What if I did all of the above without needing you to be a certain way before I showed up. What if I did all of the above without needing your validation because my own validation is the only validation I could ever possibly need. What if I choose to create and show up simply to taste the sweet pleasure of my own self expression in action.

Well, if I did all that?

I wouldn’t exactly be hiding anymore now would I.

I write words 

that are meant 

to be savored 

not scrolled